What an absolutely crappy couple of days. I've cried, and screamed and cried some more until there are no more tears, not for the moment anyway. I've locked myself away and got annoyed when friends text. I don't mean to, I just get to the stage sometimes where I have no more of me to give.
I'm trying to find a house for my mum. Since Dad died she's wanted to move near me which has caused all sorts of rifts and digs between myself and my sisters. We're ok don't get me wrong but things have been said that hurt and can't be undone. And things I never expected would ever be said, but hey ho ! But moving near me is proving difficult as there is very little available. Plus my sisters are adamant that mums not giving up her house for a one bed... What they don;t realise is that's probably all that my mum will get, But of course they don't actually take the time to help me with all this mind you, or look into anything themselves, they just sit there and criticise and give out their orders like someone actually put them in charge. Just wondering where they were when my Dad was alive.. I must have missed that. Anyway have managed to strike gold and find a two bed house. It will not be plain sailing because mum will have to pay bedroom tax out of her pension. I personally don't see the need for two bedrooms but my heads already on the guillotine so I won't push it anymore! plus the lady won't qualify for mums house until her baby is born so we have to wait and keep everything crossed in the meantime that she doesn't change her mind. But its all stress and hard work, and constant ups and downs.
In the meantime I have my own family to deal with with their issues and my own thoughts.
I think the thought of mum leaving that house, that house where fantastic memories were had with my dad, my family home.... is all in the back of my mind. And mums too, this is not going to be easy. And this is what I said, sobbing in my mums arms yesterday, that they (the witches of eastwick aka sisters) forget that. They had a different dad. My Dad was MINE, is still mine, will always be mine, and when they sit and say things I think they forget that it affects me just as much as it affects mum. Do they really think this is easy for me?
One's already told me to put things away as it upsets other people and is now time to move on. No. just No. My Dad, My love, My grief, and I will have as many pictures and 'shrines' as she calls it in her disapproving voice, as I want.
I have amazing friends around me, and I know that it's my own demons getting in the way. The paranoia is creeping in and I can't let it destroy me yet again.
Its just been a relentless week. Tomorrow is another day and I'm going to just breathe because that's all I can manage at the moment.