Hi.
If you happen to stumble across this blog please don't expect anything fantastically meaningful whatsoever. I read an article, well skimmed it actually, about how writing things down can help with all sorts so I figured why not give it a go. I have no idea myself where I'm going with this but I suddenly feel the urge to just blurt everything out as it's all just giving me a headache and I can't juggle everything in my head.
I wish someone would just come and take the burdens, and the decisions and the worry and deal with them, just for a little while.
I do know that there will be a lot of talk about my grief in this blog. I lost my Darling Daddy last year, 16 months ago to be exact and it has sent me reeling. I do talk about my Dad a lot and about his death but it's tricky as it upsets my mum, or the conversation gets steered to something else. My hubby also lost his mum last year too. In fact since November 2015 our family has lost 8 people. My sister is also very close to losing her life through alcoholism, so it sometimes feeling like I'm competing for air time, just to get things off my chest.
I tried the whole cruse counselling thing but they wanted to see me without the kids, which just doesn't work as I home educate them. Yeah so anyway I saw this article about how writing everything down can help deal with emotions, and grief, and memory because I'm always forgetting things as I have so much to do. So here we are.
There are days I want to scream. Days I want to leave too. Just take my kids and go. I love my hubby but oh my god, to be thought about and put first sometimes would be nice. To have someone just sit and listen, without an opinion or an explanation would be amazing too. What I find annoying is that things are still dumped on me. Oh can you sort this out and oh you need to do this.. erm hello!! You are more than capable and can you not see that I am struggling here!?
My mum wants to move too so I'm trying to find her a house via homeswapper, much to my sisters grievance and nit picking. What mum is and isn't doing! Last time I checked my mum was 77 years old and fully capable of making decisions. It's become a competition between my sisters which is pathetic. They weren't around very much when my Dad was alive and now he's gone it's like they've got their claws in her. Madness how families behave isn't it?
So to scream a lot is what I would love to do. I'd actually love to punch a few people in the face aswell but I am a nice person really lol. I also get days where I just want to lock myself away and not even talk to anyone. This isn't wholly my grief but also the depression that creeps back and catches me out at times, and people who have never suffered with depression just don't get that. I'm not on medication at the moment, I'm losing weight, exercising, not drinking and generally eating healthier so in respect of my depression I'm alright. But it still comes to bite me on the bum at times, and I get fed up with having to explain it to hubby. He should know, we've been together over 20 years now.
So it's good days and bad days for me. Keeping busy helps obviously but I do feel the need to just let off steam before I completely blow.
I want to talk about my Dad and not be made to feel like I need to 'move on'. I will never move on. Time stood still the moment his heart stopped beating and I will never ever be the same person, half of me is missing. But all I can do is just get through every day and breathe, and know that he is proud of his baby... he might be shaking his head at me from time to time though lol.
So anyway, as I say just ramblings.
I have a little person saying that he's hungry so I guess that's my cue for now.