Not really sure what to write, just feel the urge to.
I have so many words, and thoughts, and feelings going around my head I don't know what to do with them. Some are horrible, and spiteful and resentful and that bothers me.
It will be the 2 year anniversary of my Daddys death tomorrow. Not a day goes by....... :( I just can't deal with being me anymore. I try, I really do, but with so many constrictions on me it's hard. I have mum staying with me again because she doesn't want to be alone. I understand that, I really do, but I get fed up with having to keep mum happy. I suffer too, do they not realise that? I cant grieve for my dad because my mum stops me, because it upsets HER, SHE cant deal with it today... well hello ! I can't talk to anyone....... If i tell my hubby he gets the hump that mums 'infringing' on our lives so much now, I can;t talk to my sisters as they'll just say mums lonely and just trying to help,,, cant tale to my other sister as she's just lost her mum so feels a bit insensitive moaning about mine ! im just bottling it all up and trying to please everyone and the atmosphere in my house at the moment is shit !
I sit up at night just crying and talking to myself. when my family aren't listening in the hope that my Dad is...
I miss my dad. and Im angry that he's left me to deal with this. I think my mum is losing her marbles, im worried about the onset of dementia but I know my sisters will ridicule me and ignore it. They seem to think they are superior when it comes to mum.. well then ficking help me because you seem to have all the shopping days and lunch and giggles and I get the crap. the stress. the constant cleaning of my house because its not to her standards obviously... the comments to my kids, my dog, and the lies ! the stories and the lies from her, that's what's killing me. I don't know this woman anymore. I understand she is lost and has no purpose now but I need help with it all. This is not right.
Angels if you are there... not that I know if I believe or not, but I need you now.
Sunday 1 April 2018
Saturday 26 August 2017
We'll I'm still here and made it through the otherside. That was a dreadful week, I mean I know it's all ups and downs and swings and roundabouts but it's just the sharp change in direction with everything. But then again there is only so much one person can take.
Writing things down has helped, I think. It's easier to write exactly what I want to say without the fear of hurting anyones feelings. Don't know why I didn't do this sooner.
I used to writ a diary as a teen. Was usually filled with the infatuations of Mark Wahlberg or Marky Mark who he was known as then lol, and about the grief and horrors at school. Probably moaned a little about my parents too and how strict my dad was, oh how I would have those days here again though.
I went to a clairvoyance evening last week with my best friend. It wasn't at all like you see in the films, all sitting round a table with a glass ball. I went a few months ago too and it was lovely, there was a talk about angels and positive energy so was really nice.
Now whether you believe or not believe that's fine, I don;t push my opinions on anyone, but everything she said about this man who had come through to her, was my Dad. Everything.... the details of his time in hospital when he died, what I was doing, the exams my daughter was taking at the time, the phonecalls I was making. My half brother in Australia, his breathing, the crappy doctor and that fact that I had to talk for him.... everything. I nearly lost it in there, the walls were closing in and as much as I want to know that my Dad is there in the spirit world and that he's ok, I was petrified at the same time. Other people were saying they could relate to this man etc etc, and I felt like shouting shut up he's here for me lol... but I also think that we take from it what we need. But this wasn't the case of picking bits out, this was exact. Luckily my friend was there with me otherwise I think I would have walked out and then regretted it mind you, but I have never felt anything like that before, and all the time she was talking I was freezing cold and shivering. It made me smile though, and no matter what people think I know that was my Dad telling me he's alright. x
I miss you Daddy, more than words, but we're alright aren't we? Today anyway xxxxxxxxx
Writing things down has helped, I think. It's easier to write exactly what I want to say without the fear of hurting anyones feelings. Don't know why I didn't do this sooner.
I used to writ a diary as a teen. Was usually filled with the infatuations of Mark Wahlberg or Marky Mark who he was known as then lol, and about the grief and horrors at school. Probably moaned a little about my parents too and how strict my dad was, oh how I would have those days here again though.
I went to a clairvoyance evening last week with my best friend. It wasn't at all like you see in the films, all sitting round a table with a glass ball. I went a few months ago too and it was lovely, there was a talk about angels and positive energy so was really nice.
Now whether you believe or not believe that's fine, I don;t push my opinions on anyone, but everything she said about this man who had come through to her, was my Dad. Everything.... the details of his time in hospital when he died, what I was doing, the exams my daughter was taking at the time, the phonecalls I was making. My half brother in Australia, his breathing, the crappy doctor and that fact that I had to talk for him.... everything. I nearly lost it in there, the walls were closing in and as much as I want to know that my Dad is there in the spirit world and that he's ok, I was petrified at the same time. Other people were saying they could relate to this man etc etc, and I felt like shouting shut up he's here for me lol... but I also think that we take from it what we need. But this wasn't the case of picking bits out, this was exact. Luckily my friend was there with me otherwise I think I would have walked out and then regretted it mind you, but I have never felt anything like that before, and all the time she was talking I was freezing cold and shivering. It made me smile though, and no matter what people think I know that was my Dad telling me he's alright. x
I miss you Daddy, more than words, but we're alright aren't we? Today anyway xxxxxxxxx
Friday 18 August 2017
What an absolutely crappy couple of days. I've cried, and screamed and cried some more until there are no more tears, not for the moment anyway. I've locked myself away and got annoyed when friends text. I don't mean to, I just get to the stage sometimes where I have no more of me to give.
I'm trying to find a house for my mum. Since Dad died she's wanted to move near me which has caused all sorts of rifts and digs between myself and my sisters. We're ok don't get me wrong but things have been said that hurt and can't be undone. And things I never expected would ever be said, but hey ho ! But moving near me is proving difficult as there is very little available. Plus my sisters are adamant that mums not giving up her house for a one bed... What they don;t realise is that's probably all that my mum will get, But of course they don't actually take the time to help me with all this mind you, or look into anything themselves, they just sit there and criticise and give out their orders like someone actually put them in charge. Just wondering where they were when my Dad was alive.. I must have missed that. Anyway have managed to strike gold and find a two bed house. It will not be plain sailing because mum will have to pay bedroom tax out of her pension. I personally don't see the need for two bedrooms but my heads already on the guillotine so I won't push it anymore! plus the lady won't qualify for mums house until her baby is born so we have to wait and keep everything crossed in the meantime that she doesn't change her mind. But its all stress and hard work, and constant ups and downs.
In the meantime I have my own family to deal with with their issues and my own thoughts.
I think the thought of mum leaving that house, that house where fantastic memories were had with my dad, my family home.... is all in the back of my mind. And mums too, this is not going to be easy. And this is what I said, sobbing in my mums arms yesterday, that they (the witches of eastwick aka sisters) forget that. They had a different dad. My Dad was MINE, is still mine, will always be mine, and when they sit and say things I think they forget that it affects me just as much as it affects mum. Do they really think this is easy for me?
One's already told me to put things away as it upsets other people and is now time to move on. No. just No. My Dad, My love, My grief, and I will have as many pictures and 'shrines' as she calls it in her disapproving voice, as I want.
I have amazing friends around me, and I know that it's my own demons getting in the way. The paranoia is creeping in and I can't let it destroy me yet again.
Its just been a relentless week. Tomorrow is another day and I'm going to just breathe because that's all I can manage at the moment.
I'm trying to find a house for my mum. Since Dad died she's wanted to move near me which has caused all sorts of rifts and digs between myself and my sisters. We're ok don't get me wrong but things have been said that hurt and can't be undone. And things I never expected would ever be said, but hey ho ! But moving near me is proving difficult as there is very little available. Plus my sisters are adamant that mums not giving up her house for a one bed... What they don;t realise is that's probably all that my mum will get, But of course they don't actually take the time to help me with all this mind you, or look into anything themselves, they just sit there and criticise and give out their orders like someone actually put them in charge. Just wondering where they were when my Dad was alive.. I must have missed that. Anyway have managed to strike gold and find a two bed house. It will not be plain sailing because mum will have to pay bedroom tax out of her pension. I personally don't see the need for two bedrooms but my heads already on the guillotine so I won't push it anymore! plus the lady won't qualify for mums house until her baby is born so we have to wait and keep everything crossed in the meantime that she doesn't change her mind. But its all stress and hard work, and constant ups and downs.
In the meantime I have my own family to deal with with their issues and my own thoughts.
I think the thought of mum leaving that house, that house where fantastic memories were had with my dad, my family home.... is all in the back of my mind. And mums too, this is not going to be easy. And this is what I said, sobbing in my mums arms yesterday, that they (the witches of eastwick aka sisters) forget that. They had a different dad. My Dad was MINE, is still mine, will always be mine, and when they sit and say things I think they forget that it affects me just as much as it affects mum. Do they really think this is easy for me?
One's already told me to put things away as it upsets other people and is now time to move on. No. just No. My Dad, My love, My grief, and I will have as many pictures and 'shrines' as she calls it in her disapproving voice, as I want.
I have amazing friends around me, and I know that it's my own demons getting in the way. The paranoia is creeping in and I can't let it destroy me yet again.
Its just been a relentless week. Tomorrow is another day and I'm going to just breathe because that's all I can manage at the moment.
Saturday 12 August 2017
Hi.
If you happen to stumble across this blog please don't expect anything fantastically meaningful whatsoever. I read an article, well skimmed it actually, about how writing things down can help with all sorts so I figured why not give it a go. I have no idea myself where I'm going with this but I suddenly feel the urge to just blurt everything out as it's all just giving me a headache and I can't juggle everything in my head.
I wish someone would just come and take the burdens, and the decisions and the worry and deal with them, just for a little while.
I do know that there will be a lot of talk about my grief in this blog. I lost my Darling Daddy last year, 16 months ago to be exact and it has sent me reeling. I do talk about my Dad a lot and about his death but it's tricky as it upsets my mum, or the conversation gets steered to something else. My hubby also lost his mum last year too. In fact since November 2015 our family has lost 8 people. My sister is also very close to losing her life through alcoholism, so it sometimes feeling like I'm competing for air time, just to get things off my chest.
I tried the whole cruse counselling thing but they wanted to see me without the kids, which just doesn't work as I home educate them. Yeah so anyway I saw this article about how writing everything down can help deal with emotions, and grief, and memory because I'm always forgetting things as I have so much to do. So here we are.
There are days I want to scream. Days I want to leave too. Just take my kids and go. I love my hubby but oh my god, to be thought about and put first sometimes would be nice. To have someone just sit and listen, without an opinion or an explanation would be amazing too. What I find annoying is that things are still dumped on me. Oh can you sort this out and oh you need to do this.. erm hello!! You are more than capable and can you not see that I am struggling here!?
My mum wants to move too so I'm trying to find her a house via homeswapper, much to my sisters grievance and nit picking. What mum is and isn't doing! Last time I checked my mum was 77 years old and fully capable of making decisions. It's become a competition between my sisters which is pathetic. They weren't around very much when my Dad was alive and now he's gone it's like they've got their claws in her. Madness how families behave isn't it?
So to scream a lot is what I would love to do. I'd actually love to punch a few people in the face aswell but I am a nice person really lol. I also get days where I just want to lock myself away and not even talk to anyone. This isn't wholly my grief but also the depression that creeps back and catches me out at times, and people who have never suffered with depression just don't get that. I'm not on medication at the moment, I'm losing weight, exercising, not drinking and generally eating healthier so in respect of my depression I'm alright. But it still comes to bite me on the bum at times, and I get fed up with having to explain it to hubby. He should know, we've been together over 20 years now.
So it's good days and bad days for me. Keeping busy helps obviously but I do feel the need to just let off steam before I completely blow.
I want to talk about my Dad and not be made to feel like I need to 'move on'. I will never move on. Time stood still the moment his heart stopped beating and I will never ever be the same person, half of me is missing. But all I can do is just get through every day and breathe, and know that he is proud of his baby... he might be shaking his head at me from time to time though lol.
So anyway, as I say just ramblings.
I have a little person saying that he's hungry so I guess that's my cue for now.
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